*This entry is void of names of those in which I write. I do this out of love and respect for those who are embarrassed by my ramblings. Ah, who am I kidding? I just want to be respectful of those of who I write.
So, 2012 started of like most years. New Years comes, resolutions made, resolutions broke and another birthday. 39 years old. Wow! Where does the time go? As 2012 started, I broke out of my five plus year funk. It's called depression by the way. I was started to feel somewhat normal. Not coming home and crashing on couch after work. Really becoming engaged at home and being more of a father to my son.
We decided to take a trip to Yosemite with friends. I was really looking forward to the trip. Something different in our lives. Well, not too long before our trip, my wife had decided that the prior 7 years of my failing to pull my self out of my funk had weighed too much on our family (I totally agree). She was tired of being the main source of energy in the home and decided it was time to separate upon our return from Yosemite. Holy sheep shit, Batman! The world stopped turning. Now, other details are not appropriate for publication here, but, she was right. We did need a break. We were like roommates.....roommates that barely liked one another.
So, I moved out of the house. Luckily, a friend was kind enough to let me stay with her during the pending sale of her home. May was a really tough time. I do not think that I cried more in my life except when I was filling my diapers back in the day. I was emotionally shattered. It really took me a while to full grasp the idea being separated. I had never done this before. I just thought that it was a marriage with different addresses. My other half was getting what she needed from the separation, except for what she needed from me.
I was lost and really had no idea what in the fuck to do. I just needed to work on being a better father and husband and learn about being me. I just did not know how to be a better me. I was referred to an amazing psychiatrist at Kaiser. he made me realize that over thinking about who I was really was not what I needed. What he mad me realize is that I was a man, father and husband. He also made me realize that it was how I visualized who I was in those roles and not someone else s is what was the optimum thing. With that, I started to feel better and stopped feeling sorry for my self.
Then the fateful day came. I woke on a Saturday morning at 4:30 AM and had a very cold feeling inside of me. It was this feeling that made me realize that my marriage was done. It was a very surreal day. My then wife would not return texts or calls. I finally got her to call and we hashed it out. When I hung up the phone I felt as if a huge weight was off of my chest and I could once again breathe. I realized that I was now living for my boy and I.
After that, came the the crappy decision........to date or not to date. I kinda wanted to, but I was scared shitless. I never really dated as a younger man. I was always in relationships. So, after 16 years with the ex, it was time to get out there. But how? I started with a website that is touted as a "friends" web site. Every response that I got seemed a little strange. So, I googled responses on this dating site and found that there were mail order types that would get men to give up tons of personal info in order to steal the identity and clear out bank accounts, etc. Done with that.
I them went to another site and a big whiff. No responses. Out of the blue, I got a response and I answered it. Automatically, I found a connection with this person. We started texting....a lot. then, it turned into phone calls. Long phone calls. We met and it was instant electricity. There was a connection that I could not explain. Felt like I had known her forever. Total story book shit. We hit it off and we really accelerated the friendship. Hot and heavy for a month or so. The the gut kicks in. Something was not right. This someone was becoming distant and really would not communicate. This went on for 3 weeks. I tried talking to her and everything was fine she said. I had the gut going overtime. Things were not OK and she just refused to communicate. She needed to go bye bye. Hard, but, necessary.
I had reached out to someone that had not been in my life for 18 years. I had really screwed this girl over as a younger man. She was my first love. this was the girl that stole my heart and I was going to marry and have babies with. I really stepped in a huge pile with that. To my surprise, she agreed to speak with me about my guilt that I carried all these years. To my surprise, she had forgiven me long ago. We had spent an evening together and found that there was still a spark. We have come to realize it is not a spark from back then. We have a new and more intense feeling for one another. Instead of just jumping in to things with both feet, we have decided to look at this as something that we have all the time in the world to explore.
Each time we spend time with each other, we find that we have more and more to share with each other. We bond. We just work. It is just simple. We have respect for one another. We have grown up since we last were friends. We have children, ex spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends and we have lived. Those days lived have made who we are and that is OK. We founf that the main thing that we have in common is....each other.
My ex and I are very god friends. Our main goal is to make sure that our awesome son stays that way. I could not be more proud of how he has handled our changes in life at such a young age. He loves us no matter what, almost more so than we with him. We have learned to make this whole thing work in our favor and make sure that our son stays the priority and that he thrives. I absolutely see that he is growing to be a compassionate little boy who loves everybody and cares about people and nature. He is my son, my buddy and inspiration to be the best man, father, companion, son, brother and uncle that I can.
I would be remiss to mention that my family has been absolutely amazing, supportive and non judgmental over the last 9 months. I had some doubts about how they would respond to our separation and pending divorce. They have had one concern: Jackson. I have been taken aback by the sir love and support and understanding. To them I say thank you. To my buddy since the sixth grade, thank you for always being there for me and getting strange texts about my life and the twists and turns. Most of all thank you and your wife for showing me that I still had a friend when I was in need and was at a low point in my life. You both lifted my spirit and let me know that I was still important to you as a friend. You guys mean the world to me.
I see nothing but great things for myself and my new friend from my past. I see this as my redemption and as my opportunity to get some shit right, for a change. My son will always have his dad and I will always have my son. He is so awesome and makes me feel like a million bucks when says "I love you". That is pure honesty and pure love. A love that I am honored to know and I will never, ever fuck up!
