This past weekend I had an awakening of sorts. First, I attended the wedding of a cousin that went through a lot of personal turmoil. Amongst many other trials and tribulations, he lost his wife of 41 years three years ago. I haven't seen him much since her passing, but when I did there was something missing. He just was not the same as I remebered him growing up. Out of the blue, my dad called me and asked if I wanted to go to my cousin'd bachelor party with him. I said sure and away we went. When I saw my cousin, I saw a totally different guy than I had in quite a period. He was laughing and kept saying how happy he was.
I had never met his fiance until that night. I could see what made him happy. She was so full of life and just a firecracker. Saturday they were married. When I saw his kids stand up and say a few words, it was amazing. Here is a woman that was about to take a role that their mother had held their whole lives. They let down those barriers and fully accepted them into their lives as family. They were genuinely happy for their dad. I saw so much love and acceptance of this woman from so many. It made me think that I can be a far better and more forgiving person.
The other revelation from that wedding is that there was family that I had not seen in quite some time. We don't live too far from them, but, our lives are always so busy and the opportunity to get together has not been in abundance. I saw these folks and realized how much I truly missed them and how much I was loved. I know how much I am loved and worried about my parents, brother, sister, son and a few close friends. But, when I see some of these people and they welcomed me with open arms, to say that I was surprised, is an understatement.
I spent some time with a person that I have made friends with and have began dating. She is someone that has wiggled her way into my soft side. Damn it! I say that in jest. She has been slowly becoming someone that I could see a long term relationship blossoming with. We spent a very baring time together. We shared some very personal life events with one another. Sharing these stories and occurrences took a great amount of trust in one another. To open up and be vulnerable takes a lot for me to do. Why? Well, my relationship track record has been a bit spotty the last few years. I have made some mistakes and people have been hurt. I was hurt and was not sure that was something I wanted to risk.
After this few days it became very clear that I have met someone that I really don't have to worry about that with. I have figured to leave all of the vulnerability, insecurities and bullshit behind me. I have found someone that we learn from each other and share so much. We can bring those great things out in one another. I look forward to the future and our adventures to be had.
I also had something that came out of left field and made me feel young again. I found a documentary about Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. My history with this music runs deep and holds a special place with me. The "Southern Accents" tour was my first concert. That started me on the path to losing my hearing. Seriously, I have to wear a hearing aid as a result of too many concerts and drag racing with no ear protection. Long story short, their music is some of my favorite. There are two bands that when I hear their music my mood changes and I smail. Thos bands are The Beach Boys and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
His list of great songs range from Breakdown, American Girl, Baby's a Rock N Roller, Refugee, The Waiting, You Got Lucky, and Rebels to his "solo" work like Free Fallin'. Great music like Learning to Fly and You Don't Know How It Feels, just to name a few. This music has always spoken to me and has been a huge part of my life. Watching this documentary took me back to so many places in my life and restored my happiness in music and its place in my life.
Lastly, this weekend would have been the 46th Wedding Anniversary of two of my favorite people in the world. Tim and Donna Crowther came into my life about 30 years ago. Tim was a Little League coach and Police Officer at the Glendora Police Department. He was a contemporary and friend of my dad's. When he learned who I was, he took me under his wing like he did with so many of Glendora's youth. This act of kindness was one of the most memorable and fufilling events of my life.
Donna Lund Crowther has been one of the most caring, charismatic and flat out beautiful people that I have ever met. She walks into a room, onto a baseball field or a car show and you know it. From her voice to her fire red hair, Donna is the life the party. She has been like another mother to me, hence her nickname Momma C. She is an angel.
Unfortunately, in 1996, Tim was taken from us. A huge void in the life of so many. His family has endured his loss beautifully. They are lucky to have had him in their life, as well as so many others. These two people were the model of people loving each other through thick and thin, opposites attract and a husband and wife being best friends. TC, I miss you and think you almost daily. Your presence is still felt in my life and I use your words of wisdom frequently. Donna, I always look forward to the car shows so that I can hear that voice and laugh. It soothes me to this day. No doubt that you and Lt. would still be serving the Pride of the Foothills in some way and making it a better place to live. In case you havent figured it out, these people are people I respect and love immensely. Just sayin'...........
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Monday, April 21, 2014
Home Sweet Home
Growing up in Southern California was awesome. Great weather, great people and great music. My dad surely influenced my formative musical years. Music was surely playing, if Dodger baseball was not. I was fed a steady diet of The Doors, Cream, Eric Clapton, Rolling Stones and the Kinks. We had great radio stations growing up. LA had KMET, KLOS and KRTH. Good music and holidays were full of countdowns. The number one song on the countdown was usually "Light My Fire" or "Stairway To Heaven".
My mom also peppered her stuff in there. She was a huge Ricky Neslon fan and the Everly Brothers were in there with Eddie Rabbit. I had a wide variety of music playing in the home. Vacations were the tape killers. We had a very small choice while driving to the Sierras. We usually got a steady diet of Dire Straits' "Sultans of Swing" or the "Urban Cowboy Soundtrack". In 1983, we got a few albums thrown in there. We got Hank Willams, Jr "Greatest Hits" and Def Leppard "Pyromania". Good change, but one was missing.
I was turned on to something new by friend Mike (now Mikey) Lopez. I heard the opening of Motley Crue's "In The Beginning" off of "Shout at the Devil". The hair on my neck stood up. As "Shout at the Devil" started I was hooked. I thought, "Holy shit! This is crazy!". This was the best rock music that I heard since KISS and Cheap Trick. This also spawned my interest in Ozzy, Black Sabbath, Motorhead, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, RATT, Van Halen and Aerosmith.
What a mind fuck to now that half of Motley Crue were from Glendora/Covina. Tommy Lee and Vince Neil went to Charter Oak High and/or Royal Oak High. Motley Crue and pro wrestling were the basis for my longest and most treasured friendship in life. Thank you to Jason Cabana for 30 years of friendship and brother hood. We have seen the Crue together probably 7 times. That is cool as hell. We had a teacher in high school, Mr. Chin, that had also been Tommy Lee's teacher. In junior high, Mr. Dvorak was a teacher that we had in common, as well. Totally cheesy, but trivial, too. Another bond for Cabana and I.
Through all these years, albums like "Too Fast For Love", Shout at the Devil", "Theatre of Pain", "Girls, Girls, Girls", "Dr. Feelgood", "Motley Crue", "Generation Swine", "New Tattoo", "Saints of Los Angeles" and a slew of greatest hits and boxed sets, have meant a lot to me. I can remember what my life was like and where I was when I hear these albums. They were my formative, teen age and adult years. It was like these guys helped me grow up. Not only the music mattered but seeing the disarray that their lives were in, I knew that was not what I wanted for me.
Motley Crue also helped usher in a very important era of music. Just like Van Halen before them, Motley Crue made their bones in the Hollywood club scene. They played places like The Whiskey, The Roxy, The Troubadour, Gazarri's, Perkin's Palace and The Timbers" in Glendora. That paved the way for groups like Guns n Roses, Bang Tango, Poison, Warrant, Stryper and Bulletboys, to name a few.
I write this because recently Motley Crue has decided that their next tour will be their last. Now, unlike Ozzy and KISS, Motley Crue has signed a contract that at the conclusion of the tour, they shall no longer play together, ever. The only caveat, all four members have to agree to dissolve the contract. They are adamant that this will not come to pass. I believe that. Sure Tommy is gonna enjoy not having to play the same stuff night after night.
In conclusion, I want to thank these four rowdy, debaucherous, ass kicking, rehabbed, un rehabbed, talented bastards for giving me a sliver of escapism in their music. Their music was always a good time for me. It takes me back to a simpler time. It makes me realize that the world was not always a crazy place to navigate through. Thank you for allowing me to check out and rock out for bit.
You know I'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold, I had to run away high so I wouldn't come home low. Just when things went bad doesn't mean they were always wrong. Just take this song and you'll never be left all alone. Take me to your heart, feel me in your bones, Just one more night and I', coming of this long and winding road................................ I'm on my way, I'm on my waaaay.....................
HOME SWEET HOME
My mom also peppered her stuff in there. She was a huge Ricky Neslon fan and the Everly Brothers were in there with Eddie Rabbit. I had a wide variety of music playing in the home. Vacations were the tape killers. We had a very small choice while driving to the Sierras. We usually got a steady diet of Dire Straits' "Sultans of Swing" or the "Urban Cowboy Soundtrack". In 1983, we got a few albums thrown in there. We got Hank Willams, Jr "Greatest Hits" and Def Leppard "Pyromania". Good change, but one was missing.
I was turned on to something new by friend Mike (now Mikey) Lopez. I heard the opening of Motley Crue's "In The Beginning" off of "Shout at the Devil". The hair on my neck stood up. As "Shout at the Devil" started I was hooked. I thought, "Holy shit! This is crazy!". This was the best rock music that I heard since KISS and Cheap Trick. This also spawned my interest in Ozzy, Black Sabbath, Motorhead, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, RATT, Van Halen and Aerosmith.
What a mind fuck to now that half of Motley Crue were from Glendora/Covina. Tommy Lee and Vince Neil went to Charter Oak High and/or Royal Oak High. Motley Crue and pro wrestling were the basis for my longest and most treasured friendship in life. Thank you to Jason Cabana for 30 years of friendship and brother hood. We have seen the Crue together probably 7 times. That is cool as hell. We had a teacher in high school, Mr. Chin, that had also been Tommy Lee's teacher. In junior high, Mr. Dvorak was a teacher that we had in common, as well. Totally cheesy, but trivial, too. Another bond for Cabana and I.
Through all these years, albums like "Too Fast For Love", Shout at the Devil", "Theatre of Pain", "Girls, Girls, Girls", "Dr. Feelgood", "Motley Crue", "Generation Swine", "New Tattoo", "Saints of Los Angeles" and a slew of greatest hits and boxed sets, have meant a lot to me. I can remember what my life was like and where I was when I hear these albums. They were my formative, teen age and adult years. It was like these guys helped me grow up. Not only the music mattered but seeing the disarray that their lives were in, I knew that was not what I wanted for me.
Motley Crue also helped usher in a very important era of music. Just like Van Halen before them, Motley Crue made their bones in the Hollywood club scene. They played places like The Whiskey, The Roxy, The Troubadour, Gazarri's, Perkin's Palace and The Timbers" in Glendora. That paved the way for groups like Guns n Roses, Bang Tango, Poison, Warrant, Stryper and Bulletboys, to name a few.
I write this because recently Motley Crue has decided that their next tour will be their last. Now, unlike Ozzy and KISS, Motley Crue has signed a contract that at the conclusion of the tour, they shall no longer play together, ever. The only caveat, all four members have to agree to dissolve the contract. They are adamant that this will not come to pass. I believe that. Sure Tommy is gonna enjoy not having to play the same stuff night after night.
In conclusion, I want to thank these four rowdy, debaucherous, ass kicking, rehabbed, un rehabbed, talented bastards for giving me a sliver of escapism in their music. Their music was always a good time for me. It takes me back to a simpler time. It makes me realize that the world was not always a crazy place to navigate through. Thank you for allowing me to check out and rock out for bit.
You know I'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold, I had to run away high so I wouldn't come home low. Just when things went bad doesn't mean they were always wrong. Just take this song and you'll never be left all alone. Take me to your heart, feel me in your bones, Just one more night and I', coming of this long and winding road................................ I'm on my way, I'm on my waaaay.....................
HOME SWEET HOME
Friday, April 18, 2014
KISS....really?
I am an unabashed KISS fan. For those who are saying to themselves "What the hell is KISS?", well, KISS is a band. KISS was the first rock band that I got into and they blew my mind. The opening bass riff to "Detroit Rock City" had me hooked. It did not hurt that my uncle was a huge fan. In fact, he gave me my first two rock albums, KISS "Rock and Roll Over" and Cheap Trick "Live at Budokan". "Rock and Roll Over" had great songs like "Hard Luck Woman", "I Want You" and "Calling Dr. Love". I have been a fan ever since.
KISS has had a very storied history. Band member changes and marketing ideas from condoms to caskets and Hello Kitty crap. So, recently, the geniuses at the Rock and Roll Hall Fame voting committee decided to vote them in. KISS had been eligible for 15 years and only got in due to some serious lobbying from Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine fame. The Rock and Hall of Fame voters are, basically, comprised of current and former Rolling Stone writers, music executives and musicians.
A few notes about KISS and their accomplishments. They have sold over 100,000,000 albums, have 28 gold records, close 100,000,000 DVD sales and are one of the highest selling American artists of all time. Do they belong in the Hall? Uh, yeah!
Since KISS was formed in 1973, they have undergone a lot of line up changes, but, the most popular version has been Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss. They were the core of the band's highest selling and most popular music. Thus, causing the Hall of Fame to induct these four members only. Mind you, the band has had members Vinnie Vincent, Mark St. John, Bruce Kulick, Eric Carr, Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer as members, as well.
There have been huge amounts of acrimony over the years as Paul and Gene have denigrated and marginalized Ace and Peter's contributions to the band. This has ranged from Ace and Peter's well known substance abuse issues, as Paul and Gene are notoriously clean and sober and always have been. So, when the Hall came calling, Paul was steadfast in not playing a set with them and slandering them in the process.
I watched the Induction on youtube.com. I was pleasantly surprised that the speeches were from the heart and were complimentary of each other. Awkward? Hell yes. But, the they were sure to say that each one was instrumental in their success, as a group. It was great to see those four guys together on stage, even though they did not play and show us why the were the best at what they did for many years.
I say thank you to those men for introducing me to music that really changed my life. They gave me that rock and roll itch. They expanded my musical horizons. They allowed me to love the music that is so important to the world. They gave artists such as Motley Crue, Pantera, Van Halen, Rob Zombie and so many others the inspiration to play the music that they do. Thank you KISS for making me love rock and roll and hate over commercializing yourselves and making yourselves a laughing stock of the genre. May you get back to worrying about sounding good and not selling condoms.
KISS has had a very storied history. Band member changes and marketing ideas from condoms to caskets and Hello Kitty crap. So, recently, the geniuses at the Rock and Roll Hall Fame voting committee decided to vote them in. KISS had been eligible for 15 years and only got in due to some serious lobbying from Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine fame. The Rock and Hall of Fame voters are, basically, comprised of current and former Rolling Stone writers, music executives and musicians.
A few notes about KISS and their accomplishments. They have sold over 100,000,000 albums, have 28 gold records, close 100,000,000 DVD sales and are one of the highest selling American artists of all time. Do they belong in the Hall? Uh, yeah!
Since KISS was formed in 1973, they have undergone a lot of line up changes, but, the most popular version has been Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley and Peter Criss. They were the core of the band's highest selling and most popular music. Thus, causing the Hall of Fame to induct these four members only. Mind you, the band has had members Vinnie Vincent, Mark St. John, Bruce Kulick, Eric Carr, Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer as members, as well.
There have been huge amounts of acrimony over the years as Paul and Gene have denigrated and marginalized Ace and Peter's contributions to the band. This has ranged from Ace and Peter's well known substance abuse issues, as Paul and Gene are notoriously clean and sober and always have been. So, when the Hall came calling, Paul was steadfast in not playing a set with them and slandering them in the process.
I watched the Induction on youtube.com. I was pleasantly surprised that the speeches were from the heart and were complimentary of each other. Awkward? Hell yes. But, the they were sure to say that each one was instrumental in their success, as a group. It was great to see those four guys together on stage, even though they did not play and show us why the were the best at what they did for many years.
I say thank you to those men for introducing me to music that really changed my life. They gave me that rock and roll itch. They expanded my musical horizons. They allowed me to love the music that is so important to the world. They gave artists such as Motley Crue, Pantera, Van Halen, Rob Zombie and so many others the inspiration to play the music that they do. Thank you KISS for making me love rock and roll and hate over commercializing yourselves and making yourselves a laughing stock of the genre. May you get back to worrying about sounding good and not selling condoms.
Monday, January 27, 2014
An Open Letter to the Grammys
Dear Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences-
I am an unabashed fan of hard rock and heavy metal music. I was happy that Black Sabbath was the recipient of the Best Metal performance. However, Led Zeppelin was nominated for best Rock Performance. Unfortunately, the album was recorded in 2007. How is that possible? Oh, the Grammy's really have a loose vetting system. This is how Black Sabbath was nominated in both Metal and Rock categories.
Looking back over the history of the Metal category, it is so apparent that the Grammy's really have no clue. in 1989, Jethro Tull was named winner of the first Grammy in the category over, um, METALLICA! There some ""geniuses" that want to say that Tull really is metal. I say no and they are delusional. Here are some greatest hits over the years.
In 1990, the field included Metallica, Faith No More, Queensryche and Dokken. Which of these are not like the other? Dokken? Really? In 2000, Black Sabbath was awarded the Grammy for a live version of "Iron Man". The original version was recorded in 1970. What? A Grammy for a 30 year old song? Oh, and in 2010, Judas Priest won for a live version of "Dissident Aggressor". OK, but the song was originally recorded in 1977. Last, but not least, Motorhead was awarded for a cover of a Metallica song. Out of touch? Maybe....
I would love to see this category shown a bit more respect and thought. It appears that the Grammy people are depending on their 18 year old kids to tell them what to nominate. Come on people, wake up! this genre is not a joke and it was created by YOU because of the demand. Please do it justice by nominating the right groups in the right categories for NEW work and not just on reputation and trying right wrongs of the past.
On another note, you "In Memoriam" spot was incredulously devoid of any mention of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman. As a member of Slayer, he was nominated 5 times and winning 2 awards. Not only was he a musician but he was the principle songwriter of those winning songs. he was noticed on the Grammy website, however, there entertainment lawyers, DJ's and critics that nobody knew of that were mentioned and pictured on the telecast. I have lost any and all respect for this institution. They rank right up there with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as those who are oblivious and insulated with what is relevant in Hard Rock and Heavy Metal music and it's influence on many of today's musicians.
I am an unabashed fan of hard rock and heavy metal music. I was happy that Black Sabbath was the recipient of the Best Metal performance. However, Led Zeppelin was nominated for best Rock Performance. Unfortunately, the album was recorded in 2007. How is that possible? Oh, the Grammy's really have a loose vetting system. This is how Black Sabbath was nominated in both Metal and Rock categories.
Looking back over the history of the Metal category, it is so apparent that the Grammy's really have no clue. in 1989, Jethro Tull was named winner of the first Grammy in the category over, um, METALLICA! There some ""geniuses" that want to say that Tull really is metal. I say no and they are delusional. Here are some greatest hits over the years.
In 1990, the field included Metallica, Faith No More, Queensryche and Dokken. Which of these are not like the other? Dokken? Really? In 2000, Black Sabbath was awarded the Grammy for a live version of "Iron Man". The original version was recorded in 1970. What? A Grammy for a 30 year old song? Oh, and in 2010, Judas Priest won for a live version of "Dissident Aggressor". OK, but the song was originally recorded in 1977. Last, but not least, Motorhead was awarded for a cover of a Metallica song. Out of touch? Maybe....
I would love to see this category shown a bit more respect and thought. It appears that the Grammy people are depending on their 18 year old kids to tell them what to nominate. Come on people, wake up! this genre is not a joke and it was created by YOU because of the demand. Please do it justice by nominating the right groups in the right categories for NEW work and not just on reputation and trying right wrongs of the past.
On another note, you "In Memoriam" spot was incredulously devoid of any mention of Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman. As a member of Slayer, he was nominated 5 times and winning 2 awards. Not only was he a musician but he was the principle songwriter of those winning songs. he was noticed on the Grammy website, however, there entertainment lawyers, DJ's and critics that nobody knew of that were mentioned and pictured on the telecast. I have lost any and all respect for this institution. They rank right up there with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as those who are oblivious and insulated with what is relevant in Hard Rock and Heavy Metal music and it's influence on many of today's musicians.
Again?
On September 27, 2013, the world lost an absolute gem, Dean Richard Menart. Dean, also known as Deano, Menart, Menarf or kid, was my older brother from another mother. No, I am trying to be urban. Dean just had another mother. The story of how Dean came to be in the Crawford family is quite simple. He showed up one day and he never left.
In 1980, we moved to Glendora. Ugh, the awkward search for friends in a new place. My brother Chris met Dean in 8th grade. Dean was a quiet and pretty weird kid. Once he was comfortable with us, he really loosened up. Chris is 7 years my senior and we shared a bedroom for a few years. OK, many years. We had had the typical brotherly relationship. He kicked my ass and I cried. Well, he just had fun at my expense. In case you need a clue, this writing is dripping with sarcasm. Chris easily messed with me on his own. Now that Dean was in the picture, things took on a whole new life.
Dean and Chris were devious and quite inventive when they combined forces. Having to deal with two evil geniuses was a test at times. I will tell some tales of the their"genius". Expert lock pickers, they constantly picked the bathroom lock while I was in the shower. This usually resulted in getting squirted with hand lotion and hair conditioner, getting thrown out of the house naked and doors locked behind me or being thrown in the poll with my left wrist handcuffed to my right ankle. Try swimming like that. The favorite of all was picking me up by my hands and feet and swinging me (as if to toss one in a pool) while our little dog, Whiskers, jumped, barked and bit me.
Dean was also known for exiting the room but grabbing my head and farting on me. He was also notorious for getting up and just leaving the house without saying a word, thus earning another nickname of "Gonzo". That was the enigma of the man. This man had a heart of gold. He would do anything for his friends and family. One of the smartest men I have ever known. He chose to be a police officer. He was awesome at what he did. However, he had a serious distrust of upper management. Dean had the education and common sense needed to be a chief of police in most places at a relatively young age. I can remember getting an email announcing his promotion to Sergeant at El Monte Police Department, the ever so eloquent title of "Hell Has Frozen", was attached.
Dean had been diagnosed with cancer. He fought and fought and gave all of his being. Unfortunately, the brave fight was not enough. Dean passed away just short of his 47th birthday. Sometimes you do not realize the sheer impact of a man until he passes and see the positive impact he had on so many. His impact was profound on me. Deano, I love and miss you everyday. We shall have a frosty beverage with the inn keeper someday, brother.
On December 30th, another man with a profound effect on my life, Chuck Love, passed away. Chuck was my boss while working at Pasadena Courthouse. I was familiar with Chuck for a few years before he and I were paired together as I was moved in the Civil Department. I had no clue about that litigation and my initial training was, let's just say was pitiful at best. So, Chuck made it his mission to make me an expert.
Chuck was a USC graduate, I will not hold that against him, and a graduate of Loyola Law School. Chuck was a history buff and loved to teach people by equating history and civil law in his sessions. Chuck taught me a lot. He was also a man that had some issues similar to me that we both had a tendency to catch the attention of administration. Unfortunately, it was not the positive attention that we garnered. We were able to commiserate and get through the adventures. He made it clear that he felt that I was smart and that I could do the job. I always appreciated his faith in my abilities. We also shared the fundamental belief that we always stand by our staff, even when they were wrong. We smacked them when we had to.
I did not realize the sheer effect of Chuck's guidance until January 4, 2014. This is the day of Chuck's funeral. It was then I had that overwhelming sense of the reality of his impact. Chuck was an American through and through. He wore an American flag tie most everyday at work. It was proper that the services ended as we all sang "America the Beautiful". I know that I never said it, but, Chuck, thank you for always having my back and being a teacher.
In 1980, we moved to Glendora. Ugh, the awkward search for friends in a new place. My brother Chris met Dean in 8th grade. Dean was a quiet and pretty weird kid. Once he was comfortable with us, he really loosened up. Chris is 7 years my senior and we shared a bedroom for a few years. OK, many years. We had had the typical brotherly relationship. He kicked my ass and I cried. Well, he just had fun at my expense. In case you need a clue, this writing is dripping with sarcasm. Chris easily messed with me on his own. Now that Dean was in the picture, things took on a whole new life.
Dean and Chris were devious and quite inventive when they combined forces. Having to deal with two evil geniuses was a test at times. I will tell some tales of the their"genius". Expert lock pickers, they constantly picked the bathroom lock while I was in the shower. This usually resulted in getting squirted with hand lotion and hair conditioner, getting thrown out of the house naked and doors locked behind me or being thrown in the poll with my left wrist handcuffed to my right ankle. Try swimming like that. The favorite of all was picking me up by my hands and feet and swinging me (as if to toss one in a pool) while our little dog, Whiskers, jumped, barked and bit me.
Dean was also known for exiting the room but grabbing my head and farting on me. He was also notorious for getting up and just leaving the house without saying a word, thus earning another nickname of "Gonzo". That was the enigma of the man. This man had a heart of gold. He would do anything for his friends and family. One of the smartest men I have ever known. He chose to be a police officer. He was awesome at what he did. However, he had a serious distrust of upper management. Dean had the education and common sense needed to be a chief of police in most places at a relatively young age. I can remember getting an email announcing his promotion to Sergeant at El Monte Police Department, the ever so eloquent title of "Hell Has Frozen", was attached.
Dean had been diagnosed with cancer. He fought and fought and gave all of his being. Unfortunately, the brave fight was not enough. Dean passed away just short of his 47th birthday. Sometimes you do not realize the sheer impact of a man until he passes and see the positive impact he had on so many. His impact was profound on me. Deano, I love and miss you everyday. We shall have a frosty beverage with the inn keeper someday, brother.
On December 30th, another man with a profound effect on my life, Chuck Love, passed away. Chuck was my boss while working at Pasadena Courthouse. I was familiar with Chuck for a few years before he and I were paired together as I was moved in the Civil Department. I had no clue about that litigation and my initial training was, let's just say was pitiful at best. So, Chuck made it his mission to make me an expert.
Chuck was a USC graduate, I will not hold that against him, and a graduate of Loyola Law School. Chuck was a history buff and loved to teach people by equating history and civil law in his sessions. Chuck taught me a lot. He was also a man that had some issues similar to me that we both had a tendency to catch the attention of administration. Unfortunately, it was not the positive attention that we garnered. We were able to commiserate and get through the adventures. He made it clear that he felt that I was smart and that I could do the job. I always appreciated his faith in my abilities. We also shared the fundamental belief that we always stand by our staff, even when they were wrong. We smacked them when we had to.
I did not realize the sheer effect of Chuck's guidance until January 4, 2014. This is the day of Chuck's funeral. It was then I had that overwhelming sense of the reality of his impact. Chuck was an American through and through. He wore an American flag tie most everyday at work. It was proper that the services ended as we all sang "America the Beautiful". I know that I never said it, but, Chuck, thank you for always having my back and being a teacher.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Learning About Oneself
The last year has been one that has been hurtful, devastating, strange and ultimately rewarding. I have lost, gained lost and gained again important friendships. Which leads me to this entry.
After my marriage ended, I was in no shape for dating. However, after some pushing, I decided to give online dating a try. So, the first person that contacts me I end up dating. I thought she was the best thing ever. Then I realized that she had more baggage than I and I was thinking with the little brain and not the big one. I was not sure how to end it. things had gotten weird and strained and I know that I was not long for the relationship.
So, enter an ex girlfriend that I had ended things with pretty badly with 18 years prior. I find an opportunity with her and end it with the former. Things are looking up. It was like 18 years and bad things never occurred. Then you start spending time with someone and see how their life is and how they handle everyday things. You also get a view into habits that are detrimental to their lives. I gotta get. So, I end that relationship, again.
I decide that all I want to do is date. No relationship. Just go on a ton of dates and get to know people. What better way to that than online dating again! I signed up. Started getting matches sent and seeing all of the garbage and looking for a gem. Out of the blue, I start having a young lady sending me questions. this leads to messages, which leads to texts, which leads to checking out each others Facebook pages and culminating in a four (4) hour phone call. We then set a date. Now, I have never been known to be all that confident with the ladies. So much so, that my 5 year old son was willing to play pimp to set me up with an after schiool camp counselor of his. Pathetic, I know.
With a new sense of bravado I say this go out Friday night. She agrees. Then, I say if the date Friday goes well, let's see each other Saturday. She agrees again. Well, Friday night comes. We meet for dinner. I give her flowers and we have a 4 four dinner and about 45 minutes in the parking lot. I ask her if we are on for Saturday and she agrees. Dinner again and a session on the bench on the pier at the beach. Another long date. So, she asks me on a date for Sunday. Of course I agree.
Off to the Angels game we go. After the game we decide to catch a movie. After the movie, we catch the sunset at the beach. After that we get dinner and spend more time talking in the parking lot. Holy shit! Three days in a row. Never for me. This girl is awesome. We even went out in the middle of the week. I never do that.
I had to take stock of what was happening here. I wanted to date. But, I found this ridiculously great woman who seems t really like me. She has a job, no baggage, is beautiful, has a great personality, loves baseball, foot ball and hockey. It becomes abundantly clear that I have hit the jackpot and that I really have to make sure that I do not fuck this thing up and lose out on her. Well, she likes pretty much too. I see this going far.
Being 40, I had realized that I do not like being alone. I also realized that I like being in a relationship. It makes me feel worthy and needed. Psycho? Maybe. However, I need stability and this young lady provides that. I am happy and my future looks far less dark than just a few months back. So, the dating thing? Oh, I do it....just with one special girl. I thank her quite often for sending me 3 little questions.
After my marriage ended, I was in no shape for dating. However, after some pushing, I decided to give online dating a try. So, the first person that contacts me I end up dating. I thought she was the best thing ever. Then I realized that she had more baggage than I and I was thinking with the little brain and not the big one. I was not sure how to end it. things had gotten weird and strained and I know that I was not long for the relationship.
So, enter an ex girlfriend that I had ended things with pretty badly with 18 years prior. I find an opportunity with her and end it with the former. Things are looking up. It was like 18 years and bad things never occurred. Then you start spending time with someone and see how their life is and how they handle everyday things. You also get a view into habits that are detrimental to their lives. I gotta get. So, I end that relationship, again.
I decide that all I want to do is date. No relationship. Just go on a ton of dates and get to know people. What better way to that than online dating again! I signed up. Started getting matches sent and seeing all of the garbage and looking for a gem. Out of the blue, I start having a young lady sending me questions. this leads to messages, which leads to texts, which leads to checking out each others Facebook pages and culminating in a four (4) hour phone call. We then set a date. Now, I have never been known to be all that confident with the ladies. So much so, that my 5 year old son was willing to play pimp to set me up with an after schiool camp counselor of his. Pathetic, I know.
With a new sense of bravado I say this go out Friday night. She agrees. Then, I say if the date Friday goes well, let's see each other Saturday. She agrees again. Well, Friday night comes. We meet for dinner. I give her flowers and we have a 4 four dinner and about 45 minutes in the parking lot. I ask her if we are on for Saturday and she agrees. Dinner again and a session on the bench on the pier at the beach. Another long date. So, she asks me on a date for Sunday. Of course I agree.
Off to the Angels game we go. After the game we decide to catch a movie. After the movie, we catch the sunset at the beach. After that we get dinner and spend more time talking in the parking lot. Holy shit! Three days in a row. Never for me. This girl is awesome. We even went out in the middle of the week. I never do that.
I had to take stock of what was happening here. I wanted to date. But, I found this ridiculously great woman who seems t really like me. She has a job, no baggage, is beautiful, has a great personality, loves baseball, foot ball and hockey. It becomes abundantly clear that I have hit the jackpot and that I really have to make sure that I do not fuck this thing up and lose out on her. Well, she likes pretty much too. I see this going far.
Being 40, I had realized that I do not like being alone. I also realized that I like being in a relationship. It makes me feel worthy and needed. Psycho? Maybe. However, I need stability and this young lady provides that. I am happy and my future looks far less dark than just a few months back. So, the dating thing? Oh, I do it....just with one special girl. I thank her quite often for sending me 3 little questions.
Monday, January 21, 2013
2012 Really Sucked!
*This entry is void of names of those in which I write. I do this out of love and respect for those who are embarrassed by my ramblings. Ah, who am I kidding? I just want to be respectful of those of who I write.
So, 2012 started of like most years. New Years comes, resolutions made, resolutions broke and another birthday. 39 years old. Wow! Where does the time go? As 2012 started, I broke out of my five plus year funk. It's called depression by the way. I was started to feel somewhat normal. Not coming home and crashing on couch after work. Really becoming engaged at home and being more of a father to my son.
We decided to take a trip to Yosemite with friends. I was really looking forward to the trip. Something different in our lives. Well, not too long before our trip, my wife had decided that the prior 7 years of my failing to pull my self out of my funk had weighed too much on our family (I totally agree). She was tired of being the main source of energy in the home and decided it was time to separate upon our return from Yosemite. Holy sheep shit, Batman! The world stopped turning. Now, other details are not appropriate for publication here, but, she was right. We did need a break. We were like roommates.....roommates that barely liked one another.
So, I moved out of the house. Luckily, a friend was kind enough to let me stay with her during the pending sale of her home. May was a really tough time. I do not think that I cried more in my life except when I was filling my diapers back in the day. I was emotionally shattered. It really took me a while to full grasp the idea being separated. I had never done this before. I just thought that it was a marriage with different addresses. My other half was getting what she needed from the separation, except for what she needed from me.
I was lost and really had no idea what in the fuck to do. I just needed to work on being a better father and husband and learn about being me. I just did not know how to be a better me. I was referred to an amazing psychiatrist at Kaiser. he made me realize that over thinking about who I was really was not what I needed. What he mad me realize is that I was a man, father and husband. He also made me realize that it was how I visualized who I was in those roles and not someone else s is what was the optimum thing. With that, I started to feel better and stopped feeling sorry for my self.
Then the fateful day came. I woke on a Saturday morning at 4:30 AM and had a very cold feeling inside of me. It was this feeling that made me realize that my marriage was done. It was a very surreal day. My then wife would not return texts or calls. I finally got her to call and we hashed it out. When I hung up the phone I felt as if a huge weight was off of my chest and I could once again breathe. I realized that I was now living for my boy and I.
After that, came the the crappy decision........to date or not to date. I kinda wanted to, but I was scared shitless. I never really dated as a younger man. I was always in relationships. So, after 16 years with the ex, it was time to get out there. But how? I started with a website that is touted as a "friends" web site. Every response that I got seemed a little strange. So, I googled responses on this dating site and found that there were mail order types that would get men to give up tons of personal info in order to steal the identity and clear out bank accounts, etc. Done with that.
I them went to another site and a big whiff. No responses. Out of the blue, I got a response and I answered it. Automatically, I found a connection with this person. We started texting....a lot. then, it turned into phone calls. Long phone calls. We met and it was instant electricity. There was a connection that I could not explain. Felt like I had known her forever. Total story book shit. We hit it off and we really accelerated the friendship. Hot and heavy for a month or so. The the gut kicks in. Something was not right. This someone was becoming distant and really would not communicate. This went on for 3 weeks. I tried talking to her and everything was fine she said. I had the gut going overtime. Things were not OK and she just refused to communicate. She needed to go bye bye. Hard, but, necessary.
I had reached out to someone that had not been in my life for 18 years. I had really screwed this girl over as a younger man. She was my first love. this was the girl that stole my heart and I was going to marry and have babies with. I really stepped in a huge pile with that. To my surprise, she agreed to speak with me about my guilt that I carried all these years. To my surprise, she had forgiven me long ago. We had spent an evening together and found that there was still a spark. We have come to realize it is not a spark from back then. We have a new and more intense feeling for one another. Instead of just jumping in to things with both feet, we have decided to look at this as something that we have all the time in the world to explore.
Each time we spend time with each other, we find that we have more and more to share with each other. We bond. We just work. It is just simple. We have respect for one another. We have grown up since we last were friends. We have children, ex spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends and we have lived. Those days lived have made who we are and that is OK. We founf that the main thing that we have in common is....each other.
My ex and I are very god friends. Our main goal is to make sure that our awesome son stays that way. I could not be more proud of how he has handled our changes in life at such a young age. He loves us no matter what, almost more so than we with him. We have learned to make this whole thing work in our favor and make sure that our son stays the priority and that he thrives. I absolutely see that he is growing to be a compassionate little boy who loves everybody and cares about people and nature. He is my son, my buddy and inspiration to be the best man, father, companion, son, brother and uncle that I can.
I would be remiss to mention that my family has been absolutely amazing, supportive and non judgmental over the last 9 months. I had some doubts about how they would respond to our separation and pending divorce. They have had one concern: Jackson. I have been taken aback by the sir love and support and understanding. To them I say thank you. To my buddy since the sixth grade, thank you for always being there for me and getting strange texts about my life and the twists and turns. Most of all thank you and your wife for showing me that I still had a friend when I was in need and was at a low point in my life. You both lifted my spirit and let me know that I was still important to you as a friend. You guys mean the world to me.
I see nothing but great things for myself and my new friend from my past. I see this as my redemption and as my opportunity to get some shit right, for a change. My son will always have his dad and I will always have my son. He is so awesome and makes me feel like a million bucks when says "I love you". That is pure honesty and pure love. A love that I am honored to know and I will never, ever fuck up!
So, 2012 started of like most years. New Years comes, resolutions made, resolutions broke and another birthday. 39 years old. Wow! Where does the time go? As 2012 started, I broke out of my five plus year funk. It's called depression by the way. I was started to feel somewhat normal. Not coming home and crashing on couch after work. Really becoming engaged at home and being more of a father to my son.
We decided to take a trip to Yosemite with friends. I was really looking forward to the trip. Something different in our lives. Well, not too long before our trip, my wife had decided that the prior 7 years of my failing to pull my self out of my funk had weighed too much on our family (I totally agree). She was tired of being the main source of energy in the home and decided it was time to separate upon our return from Yosemite. Holy sheep shit, Batman! The world stopped turning. Now, other details are not appropriate for publication here, but, she was right. We did need a break. We were like roommates.....roommates that barely liked one another.
So, I moved out of the house. Luckily, a friend was kind enough to let me stay with her during the pending sale of her home. May was a really tough time. I do not think that I cried more in my life except when I was filling my diapers back in the day. I was emotionally shattered. It really took me a while to full grasp the idea being separated. I had never done this before. I just thought that it was a marriage with different addresses. My other half was getting what she needed from the separation, except for what she needed from me.
I was lost and really had no idea what in the fuck to do. I just needed to work on being a better father and husband and learn about being me. I just did not know how to be a better me. I was referred to an amazing psychiatrist at Kaiser. he made me realize that over thinking about who I was really was not what I needed. What he mad me realize is that I was a man, father and husband. He also made me realize that it was how I visualized who I was in those roles and not someone else s is what was the optimum thing. With that, I started to feel better and stopped feeling sorry for my self.
Then the fateful day came. I woke on a Saturday morning at 4:30 AM and had a very cold feeling inside of me. It was this feeling that made me realize that my marriage was done. It was a very surreal day. My then wife would not return texts or calls. I finally got her to call and we hashed it out. When I hung up the phone I felt as if a huge weight was off of my chest and I could once again breathe. I realized that I was now living for my boy and I.
After that, came the the crappy decision........to date or not to date. I kinda wanted to, but I was scared shitless. I never really dated as a younger man. I was always in relationships. So, after 16 years with the ex, it was time to get out there. But how? I started with a website that is touted as a "friends" web site. Every response that I got seemed a little strange. So, I googled responses on this dating site and found that there were mail order types that would get men to give up tons of personal info in order to steal the identity and clear out bank accounts, etc. Done with that.
I them went to another site and a big whiff. No responses. Out of the blue, I got a response and I answered it. Automatically, I found a connection with this person. We started texting....a lot. then, it turned into phone calls. Long phone calls. We met and it was instant electricity. There was a connection that I could not explain. Felt like I had known her forever. Total story book shit. We hit it off and we really accelerated the friendship. Hot and heavy for a month or so. The the gut kicks in. Something was not right. This someone was becoming distant and really would not communicate. This went on for 3 weeks. I tried talking to her and everything was fine she said. I had the gut going overtime. Things were not OK and she just refused to communicate. She needed to go bye bye. Hard, but, necessary.
I had reached out to someone that had not been in my life for 18 years. I had really screwed this girl over as a younger man. She was my first love. this was the girl that stole my heart and I was going to marry and have babies with. I really stepped in a huge pile with that. To my surprise, she agreed to speak with me about my guilt that I carried all these years. To my surprise, she had forgiven me long ago. We had spent an evening together and found that there was still a spark. We have come to realize it is not a spark from back then. We have a new and more intense feeling for one another. Instead of just jumping in to things with both feet, we have decided to look at this as something that we have all the time in the world to explore.
Each time we spend time with each other, we find that we have more and more to share with each other. We bond. We just work. It is just simple. We have respect for one another. We have grown up since we last were friends. We have children, ex spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends and we have lived. Those days lived have made who we are and that is OK. We founf that the main thing that we have in common is....each other.
My ex and I are very god friends. Our main goal is to make sure that our awesome son stays that way. I could not be more proud of how he has handled our changes in life at such a young age. He loves us no matter what, almost more so than we with him. We have learned to make this whole thing work in our favor and make sure that our son stays the priority and that he thrives. I absolutely see that he is growing to be a compassionate little boy who loves everybody and cares about people and nature. He is my son, my buddy and inspiration to be the best man, father, companion, son, brother and uncle that I can.
I would be remiss to mention that my family has been absolutely amazing, supportive and non judgmental over the last 9 months. I had some doubts about how they would respond to our separation and pending divorce. They have had one concern: Jackson. I have been taken aback by the sir love and support and understanding. To them I say thank you. To my buddy since the sixth grade, thank you for always being there for me and getting strange texts about my life and the twists and turns. Most of all thank you and your wife for showing me that I still had a friend when I was in need and was at a low point in my life. You both lifted my spirit and let me know that I was still important to you as a friend. You guys mean the world to me.
I see nothing but great things for myself and my new friend from my past. I see this as my redemption and as my opportunity to get some shit right, for a change. My son will always have his dad and I will always have my son. He is so awesome and makes me feel like a million bucks when says "I love you". That is pure honesty and pure love. A love that I am honored to know and I will never, ever fuck up!
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